"Into our imperfect Love, He brings Perfect Love": Reflection on 1 John 4:10 and Three Yea

This is my third year living in Household. I would be lying if I said that I’m the same girl that entered here. But it would be an even bigger lie if I told you that my three years in this community have been perfect, or that we are a perfect community.

When I decided to get involved in the house, I was genuinely terrified. I had met some of the girls, but I was not friends with them. I was Catholic but not that Catholic. I was more comfortable with being in America, but uncomfortable enough to worry about my gaps of knowledge. How was I supposed to go from living in a dorm single to living with 10 other people? How was I committing to pray with them twice a week, attend small group, and have dinner together, if I did not even know their names properly? If I had not even had one proper conversation with them that went beyond ‘Oh I’m from Brazil and I study Engineering’. How was I supposed to live with these women who seemed so faithful and so holy if I did not even know my own faith that well?

But I was not the only one who felt that way. The girls that lived with me also had doubts, also questioned their faith, and a lot of them were as fearful of the journey as I was. Our personalities were completely different, with some of us being loud and fearless, others quiet and calm. And the rules were not easy. House meetings to discuss what would be best, to be open about our feelings, and to understand how to deal with conflict in the way that Jesus expected us to. But, together and with a lot of work, the house started to blossom bearing fruits, and teaching us to learn from each other through the obstacles.

I learned a lot about myself and my faith. I became more comfortable with who I am and my own limitations. I learned about the rosary, catechism, theology, not through someone actively teaching me, but through open discussions with women when we would sit and try to understand what we actually believe in. I got to develop close relationships that are still with me, and who I still pray for and know I can reach out even though they don’t live here anymore.

It was two years of growth, in a house that was constantly challenging me to pray, play guitar, be intentional and serve Him in the best way possible. Challenging me to come out of my comfort zone and Love as He did. And there were countless times I would feel like I was “not enough” for this community. I have so many shortcomings. I struggled with waking up at 7 AM to go to prayer. I often would rather do anything but go to dinner when I had to study. I constantly forgot about my small group. Iit took me a while, but at a conversation at 2:45 AM at the kitchen table, I understood that you also need to love your shortcomings. Yes, the house demanded a lot, but once I opened up about everything else that was happening in the semester to my housemates, or in my specific case to the two house leaders, I was met with love, understanding, check-ins, movie nights, and similar stories that proved I was not alone. We were all doing our best. God knows us. He loves us for it.

This year, I was called to serve as one of the house leaders. And, very reluctantly, I accepted it. The shy girl in me, the one who knows all her shortcomings, the one who hates conflict, and who has no idea what she is doing about her faith most of the time, the one with the most erratic prayer life, and who struggles to open up about her feelings, who is not comfortable with leading or being the center of attention, was once more terrified of what God was asking from her. But, I accepted it because I wanted to give back to this place that had brought me closer to Him, nurtured my faith and helped me grow as a person so much.

And leadership has been proven extremely challenging, even more than I was expecting. I often feel inadequate, and about 90% of the time, I have no idea what I am doing. I am so so far from being holy or extremely faithful. I don’t have all the knowledge or answers nor do I fully understand what God is asking from me. How can I possibly help lead a whole household towards Him? But while all my failures and shortcomings as a leader weighed down my heart, I was once again met with His love.

Our community is not perfect. Sometimes, there is conflict, misunderstandings and lack of communication. We each have our separate faith journeys, and, yes, we are all sinners. But we have actively chosen to live together and hold each other to a higher standard of faith, to challenge each other to better understand ourselves and grow with and through each other, in our own pace and way, supporting each other when we fall and when we thrive, to call each other on, to forgiveness, mercy and love.

We celebrate each tiny victory on our wall. We are there to catch each other when we fall. We try to live by his Greatest Commandment, to love as He did, inside and outside of our physical house. His commandment, quoting one of our girls, is incredibly paradoxical needing our humility and confidence. But I would go further, I believe He calls us to love each other through our imperfections and differences.

“The splendor of the rose and the whiteness of the lily do not rob the little violet of it’s scent nor the daisy of its simple charm. If every tiny flower wanted to be a rose, spring would lose its loveliness.” ― St. Therese of Lisieux

I believe our patron got it right. The flowers in our house, with all our flaws and values, compose this community and without them, we would lose our loveliness. We are called to love in and outside of our community, to love our differences and shortcomings, with an honesty and authenticity of being imperfect selves. And sometimes that will be painful, sometimes it will be overwhelming, but it will also be a channel of His Grace. It will also be a community that embraces our brothers and sisters in Christ in and outside of our walls. It will also be a safe place, and it will always be a place that tries to love through our flaws.

I am not the same girl that entered here two years ago. My time here has not been perfect. But my growth did not come in spite of the imperfections, it came through them. Two years ago, I would not be writing this. I would have never agreed to serve as a leader. I never would play guitar in front of other people. I still battle with what He has been asking from me, my faith, and service. But as we all strive together towards Him in our own ways, with our own faults and personal challenges, He teaches me to be vulnerable and try to trust in Him more.

So, if you ever lived here, still do, might live here in the future or are a part of our extended community of friends, know that you have taught me so much through your love and even your flaws. And that no matter where you are, you will be always in my prayers.