Holy Darkness

It’s Christmas Eve Eve and I’m sitting in my living room with the only light in the room coming from the colorful lit tree. I finally have some undisturbed time to reflect on Advent with Christmas so close.

I keep laughing remembering every Advent for seven years of my life. Catholic grade school meant every Monday morning after announcements the whole school would line the perimeter of the gym around the advent wreath and sing a verse of “Come Lord Jesus.” It’s funny the things we remember so vividly and if we are being honest my friends and I still laugh about this tradition and our lack of motivation to sing as we got older, but I remember that even with that sentiment this tradition marked something special. Second grade through eighth grade it was the same tradition (along with 8:30 Mass with your grade once a week) and this year I had myself thinking often about the mornings on the cold gym floor that filled my childhood saying “Come Lord Jesus,” “Come Emmanuel,” “Come Oh Prince of Peace,” and “Our Hearts are Open.” See this Advent memories of this tradition returned as college kids sat cross legged on the floor in a circle around an Advent wreath in the Newman Catholic Center reflecting on Christ as the light in our darkness and singing songs together.

Now it’s the fourth Sunday of Advent. I went to the Saturday night vigil at my home parish, St. Catherine of Siena. There were dark blue altar linens and barren church except for unlit ever-greens and an empty manger scene. And kind of like Mary and Joseph traveling to Bethlehem, after quite the journey of faith this semester, at Mass I knew I had arrived exactly where the Lord wanted me. For those of you who have never heard a powerhouse Fr. Dan homily, He explained how in 2 Samuel, God says “I have destroyed all your enemies before you.” To the Israelites these enemies were encountered in battles. They were physical human enemies threatening their land. Then in the gospel, the Angel says “Do not be afraid.” So what could Mary be afraid of? What are we afraid of? Sometimes it may the external conflicts-family drama, grades, finances, etc. in our lives, but often our greatest enemies are internal. They are what we fear even if we never speak about them out loud. We may struggle with addiction, lust, doubt, fear, and resentment of ourselves. Sometimes our greatest enemy is our inner self. But God still says “Do not be afraid” He saves us from these enemies too. He saves us in the form of a newborn baby boy, poor and lying in a manger.

And all these little reflections came full circle for me with the offertory hymn this evening. It was the first time I heard “Holy Darkness” by Dan Schute (most famously known for the all time greatest Church hit: “Here I am Lord”). The Catholic Church is all about the darkness imagery during Advent. It’s winter and as those grade school advent prayers used to go “Days are short and nights are long we need the light of Christ.” But in a time of year when Advent equals preparation for Christmas in terms of brightly lit homes decorated and ready, what is the darkness we love to talk about? Connecting back to Fr. Dan’s homily, Advent is a time to encounter the darkness on the inside. The song goes

Holy darkness, blessed night,heaven’s answer hidden from our sight.

As we await you, O God of silence,

we embrace your holy night.

The lyrics come from St. John of Cross’ “The Dark Night of the Soul.” Darkness may occlude our ability to see, but it does not equate to stagnancy of the soul. Sometimes in the darkness, we cannot see, but that may be “heaven’s answer.” In the darkness there is transformative power and grace. “While ‘dark nights’ are often thought of as troublesome or dangerous, to St. John of the Cross, they are necessary and therefore beautiful. The darkness of night allows God to purge the soul of all that pulls it into sin, which is the first step on the path towards union with God.” In the time of waiting to for Jesus to born, this song reminded me once more of the wonder of our God. We shouldn’t be afraid of the dark because His grace is working on our soul’s even in the darkest moments. My favorite verse of the song went

I have taught you the price of compassion;

you have stood before the grave.

Though my love can seem

like a raging storm,

this is the love that saves.

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve and if you’re reading this maybe you have a minute amongst the hustle and bustle to reflect. I don’t know what kind of journey you had this Advent. Maybe you took time for extra prayer and penance or maybe the time flew by. I’m a busy college student. I get it. But now on the last Sunday of Advent you have a moment to stop as that fourth candle is lit and remember Jesus is coming. He will be born and as much as we prepared our hearts or fell short, the reality is that the place where the animals were kept wasn’t in tip top shape to be a birthing center for a tired young woman. It’s time for our hearts to be a manager for our Lord to rest. So even if there are parts of your heart still in a state of darkness this Christmas from anxiety, fear, doubt, or whatever sin and suffering exists, remember that “this is the love that saves.” Do not be afraid to intimately hold the infant Lord in the most vulnerable parts of you heart this Christmas.

Now you can see my view as I write and pray...Merry Christmas!